It's hard to imagine that something so precious as this little man right here could come with so much baggage. On July 12, 2016 my life would change. I had a face off with the cookie crumbs of my past that I had kept under the rug hoping they would never resurface again. This was the day I conceived my son not yet married with my now husband. Prior to me finding out I was pregnant, I had repent to God, I confided in my pastor of my transgression and was given me sound counsel that same week I conceived. It would be months later that I would find out that I was actually pregnant and then the fireworks would start. Now prior to me getting pregnant I was serving in my church in the youth and creative arts ministry. I also traveled ministering in various capacities. I had my personal own ministry that I had just started about 2 years prior, and 2 youth mentoring programs. When I found out I was pregnant I was in shock and felt like my world was ending as I knew it. An abortion or shot gun wedding was not an option for me. I knew I was going to have to deal with this head on. While pregnant it was very hard for me at church (which was my life reality). I experienced phoniness on levels I had never dealt with. I'm talking about people who I thought were my good friends became distant, some were murdering my name, adding stories to my pregnancy to make the church gossip sound good, church leaders were approaching my 7-year old daughter, drilling her about my pregnancy or prompting their kids to approach my daughter which I had not told yet that I was pregnant. Not willing to endure any more emotional stress I took a job which took me away from my church but it still didn't stop the voices in my head. Emotionally it was hard for me because in my past I was an extremely private person. A lot of people at my church didn't know I was in my 30's or that I my daughter was my daughter, and the ones that did know I had a daughter didn't know I was previously married which resulted in the conception of my daughter. In my past I felt like there was no need to share my personal business with anyone cause we were just church family. As a result, I felt like I had no one to really be vulnerable with, no one I could trust with my feelings. During my 2nd trimester my child's father became distant from me emotionally only coming to the doctor's appointment due of all of the church pressure of our marital status, condemnation, and him feeling like he wasn't ready yet which made me feel even more alone. The garment of shame had wrapped me so that the only thing I could breath in was bitterness. I was so angry and ready to attack anybody who came at me. Looking for peace but too prideful to let go, I swam in my shame looking for a fix to get through this. After months of giving into condemnation. God freed me from my shame, I completely surrendered all that hurt to God and laid it at the altar. In me taking that step God showed me the root to my sin in the first place, I had covering issues. Growing up I never really felt covered. I felt rejected and abandoned. I never allowed God to heal me in those areas and those spirits had secretly been lying dormant waiting for access to manifest it ugly heads. I had to forgive myself for things in my past that had happened to me that were and weren't in my control and truly give them to God. In that moment God snatched the garments of guilt and shame off of me and He breath on me His truth. One set of scriptures in particular He gave me that sticks with me today Isaiah 61:1-4. He told me He would give me beauty for ashes. With God's word spoken to my spirit it gave me strength to return back to church with my head up, staying prayerful, and confident in myself (even above the noise of church commentators) that God's plan for my life would not change, and that if I stay focused on His voice above the noise I would not faint or fall. I thank God for Him giving me the strength to surrender and to keep running because of it my life is aligned to His plan and I have been able to walk in His favor.
Taking my shame for His Glory(Beauty for Ashes)
Updated: Aug 22, 2019