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Before him I wasn't ready

Updated: Aug 22, 2019

This is the day that many of us reach for in life. The privilege of saying "I do" to the one we love, and entering into this sacred covenant called marriage before God. The reality is that many of us entering into marriage are not ready. We can't wait for people to see us all dressed up and the festivities of it all, but won't spend that much time investing in sustaining it. We go in knowing we are not ready nor are we educated enough on what marriage really means. The first time I got married I was 21 and I honestly got married for all the wrong reasons. Now don't get me wrong, love was there, but that was not enough to sustain us. My husband was 25 years my senior and was good to me, but we were from two different worlds. What connected us was our love for serving others, and we complimented each other in business matters. We both suffered from rejection which was the connection that we didn't see, the need to fill empty void, and to be complete. We also had multiple marriages in our bloodlines, my mother has been married twice and my dad four times; his mom was married a few times. One main reason for me marrying so early was my love for God. The condemnation of my fornication was riding my back like a professional bull rider. I didn't want to choose between him and God, and I loved having sex with him. I had made up in my mind if it doesn't work I will just get a divorce and try again. And I did. I married my second husband at 25, less than a year after my divorce. This time around I was determined to try a little harder and I did we stayed married five years. My second husband and I struggled with the same rejection and abandonment issues. The biggest struggle of all between us was communication, we weren't really listening to each other. He was very vocal about things and I wasn't as much, which caused a gap in how we communicated. His words were full of passion that would cause me to shut down and runaway. To him, my actions were neglectful and made it seemed like I didn't care. My second divorce was my wake-up call. I realized in our current state we were holding on for all the wrong reasons, and it was going to destroy all involved. In April of that year we stood before a judge and she asked us something that forever rings in my head, "have you two truly tried beyond measure" we both agreed and we were divorce. What I felt that day I vowed to never be in that position again. I was determined to kill this generational curse off my life not just for me but so that my daughter would never have to feel what I was feeling at that moment. The first stop to my deliverance was self-discovery, it was ugly. God showed me the truth. I was not ready to be married, let alone a relationship. I didn't really know myself, I didn't know what I loved, and what I really wanted in life. I was just existing, a wanderer searching for peace. I had to come to the truth that I didn't really know God like I thought. In this journey God was able to love on me and deal with my loneliness and rejection issues. Through my relationship with God I was able to see that I had commitment issues and that I was afraid to live above my means. I found out that I really didn't even know what real love looked like so if it did come my way I would just reject it. Through this season God was able to reveal to me His thoughts and love towards me. it ultimately helped me to see my purpose. My second phase was God changed my circle. Once He showed my purpose He gave me a community or friends and peers to cultivate where I was going. At this time most of my friends were single but were walking in their purpose, but my core friends were all now married. In the past all my friends were single and hung out with them all the time, and would fight to defend our relationship if needed. These friends would give me the raw about myself, and those who would try to come through the gate. I was so for that I was grateful. These were friends who covered me in prayer, they fasted, they prayed with me, and they covered me in love. The 3rd phase of my journey was preparation. God started dealing with me and His heart about marriage and how sacred it is. He would show me in His word the preparation, and seasons that must take place before marriage. He would show me that marriage has divine purpose connected to it that is why it is so crucial to wait on God. You may have the right person but the wrong timing and it can cost you. Marriage is definitely more than sex and I baby doesn't define it; it should only be a result to create legacy. God gave me an analogy that I hold dear, when I was is in her period of pregnancy with the baby time soon to come. There is a auction to prepare your mind and body for what's to come; it is the same thing with marriage. The Holy Spirit will speak and you will know in your spirit with clarity over your emotions that it is time. With my husband I was determined to do things different, and truly right before God. First thing was I was not getting married at city hall, both times I got married at city hall. My marriage would be officiated someone who believe like me. Someone who would pray over my marriage as we enter into this covenant. Second thing was extensive marriage counseling, I never had marriage counseling with my first husband and with my second the one session we had almost ended up in a brawl at the pastor's house. I loved our marriage counseling sessions, they opened our communication even the more between us. It taught us the behind the scenes of marriage from a holistic standpoint. For me I understood even the more that as I was entering into this marriage with my husband that I was not just standing before God making this covenant agreement we are including Him in the midst of it to be the head. True love require sacrifice and Christ showed us by example, that is why it's so important to wait. The season of preparation taught me a lot about myself, and in God's timing that I was ready to be his bride and divorce is not an option.

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