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2 Truths & a lie (the Journey of my voice)

Updated: Aug 22, 2019

Growing up I was a true tomboy/church thug. I grew up with these tomboy behaviors as a coping mechanism to deal with my reality, to give me a voice where I felt voiceless. Truth one was when I was younger my mother innocently telling me she wanted a boy. My mother's  intent was never to reject me because my mom loves me very much but it created a character in my life (identity) that was stemmed out of the spirit of rejection that was already present on the both sides of my parents lineages. I wanted to be close to my dad and spend more time with him so felt like if I acted all tough like a boy and act up at school where he would have to come up to my school then maybe I would get more attention from him.  But that didn't happen my deception cause my dad to believe I was so tough enough to handle the struggles of this life alone, that I didn't need him as much as my other siblings. As a result this made me go into a shell within myself therefore causing my true voice to suppressed, and become null and void. I was in a wrestling match for my life, and I had just tagged team (gave permission) the spirit of rejection to come in and be my representative of my identity. I believe because of this factor it opened the door that pushed me further into the deception of my identity. This role I played caused my to become a magnet to be molested and sexually assault by people who were suppose to protect me. The spirit of molestation and rape that was attached to my blood line and it had marked me so that predators would draw to me, and as a result the voices within would tell me "it was my fault", that" it must be you", and "learn to embrace and adapt this". I remember wanting to tell but being too shameful to tell because I didn't want to be looked the victim. Once I told on a man in my church who touched me when I was 10. I told some of the story but was too shame to tell the whole story until I was grown. When I told nothing really happen they took him off the bus ministry until my mom got a car. A few years later I would visit this church again to find out he went to jail for touching another girl in the church. I grew up really not liking myself which caused me to be angry at the world. I would do whatever I could not to make myself attractive. I wouldn't wear lotion, I would wear jeans under the my skirt, I would hang with the boys so tight that way I wouldn't have to deal with ever being in love, and the predators would not want to touch me anymore. I was very afraid of being in love and being vulnerable with anyone because in my mind it would make me look weak.  When a person was interested me I down played it. I would sabotaged the relationship because of my self-esteem. People would call me bad and accuse me of being gay. But through it all growing up I could hear God's voice from a distance to me telling me "this is not who I created you to be" "this is not the image I have for you.". It was not until my relationship with God grew stronger that the garments of shame forgiveness would come off. As a result the guilt from my past had started falling off of me. I became this new person in God's design. I had tagged the Holy Spirit in the ring with the tip of my finger (the last strength left in me). My voice changed and so did my look. The enemy would fight my thoughts telling me "if you change into this new person you are not going to be true to yourself""you just trying to be like someone else" and other things. But as I continuing reading the Word or God, building a stronger relationship with Him, confessing my shame, and making God's declarations over my life. As I took these steps my confidence and faith grew causing the those false garments to fall off of me. God had transformed into a beautiful butterfly. God began to strip me of the lies I once called truths. God began to Father me which caused my character to change giving me a new identity in Him. The things I would typically go off about (feeling the need to protect myself) God was giving me spiritual maturity to look past people's spiritual immaturity to really see the enemy's strategy to distract me from my assignment in the earth. With spiritual maintenance God has transformed me into who I am today, and all glory goes to Him, and He is not done with me yet.  ​

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